Trigger man

Search for “contract killer” and it shouldn’t take you too long to track down my contract. Last time I checked, results for that page include the title “Contract Killer open source contract — Stuff & Nonsense” and depending, on the search engine you use, a description includes me, designing, speaking, and writing, the things I’m known for.

What I hope I’m not infamous for is, you know, ‘actual’ killing. That doesn’t stop me getting requests to rub someone out. Just this week, two emails dropped into my inbox. They were both short, to the point:

This isn’t the first time someone’s been in touch like this. A couple of years ago, our phone rang and a magazine journalist asked my incredulous wife if I was available to interview about my life as a contract killer. She’d found me on Google too, and wouldn’t take “no” for an answer, even after it was explained that if I did have a sideline in handing out one-way tickets, the last place I would promote my services was online.

• Reporter: “Can I speak to Andy please?”
• Sue: “May I ask who’s calling and what it’s about?”
• Reporter: “It’s Jane. I’d like to interview him about his life as a contract killer.”
• Sue: “My husband’s not a contract killer!”
• Reporter: “Isn’t he? But I found his name on Google.”
• Sue: “I think what Google says is, he wrote a ‘killer contract!’”

I rolled my eyes and we laughed about how dumb this person must be to confuse our business with the business of taking someone out, but we weren’t laughing a few weeks later when two envelopes dropped on our doormat.

Inside each envelope was a letter, asking me to murder two women and one woman’s children.

The first letter read:

Hallo

My name is Sahra [redacted] and I want you to kill a old lady for me. She lives in Sydney Australia. Her name is Gretal Silvia [redacted] also goes by the name of Gretal Silvia [redacted]. She was born 1938 September [redacted] and lives in Sydney Australia. I want her dead. Turn page.

The second note was even more chilling:

Hallo

My name is Sahra [redacted] and this is a Contract Killing company and the contract killing I want also is to also kill Patricia [redacted] and Milly and Molly that were 2 girls in Texas Austin. I want you to kill both Milly and Molly (turn page). I want 2 girls 2 die Milly and Molly in Austin Texas. You will find them by Molly in Austin Texas. Molly is known there. The name Molly is known there and you to kill Milly and Molly. Milly that hangs around Molly. Milly is Midred that hangs around Molly Mildred that hangs around Molly and if not there no more I don’t know but I also want you to kill Patricia and I think she she might be be Polish but she was in Sweden Stockholm when she was young. Please find there names and kill them. Thank you!!!!!

I don’t know what your postman usually delivers, but letters asking to me kill someone aren’t something I receive every day. It’s also not every day I have to explain over the phone to a puzzled policeman that I wrote a killer contract and was now receiving contract killing requests.

A few hours later, and an equally cautious constable took a statement and both letters and we didn’t hear from our cutthroat correspondent again.

Every so often, I wonder about my mystery letter writer and if she got the help she needed. Not to kill Gretal Silvia [redacted], Patricia, Milly, and Molly, (I hope they’re living long and happy lives) but because anyone who writes letters like these clearly needs help of a different kind.

I’m also curious what might’ve happened if those letters had been sent to someone more familiar with firearms and less concerned with CSS. And that thought really is a killer.