Malarkey is Andy Clarke, a creative designer with a passion for accessibility and web standards. This is his personal website.

Dealing with kitchen salesmen

OK, if you enjoyed Dealing with telephone salesmen and Dealing with window salesmen (and I hope you did) here is another. I’m not going to flog a dead horse, so this will be the last for a while. I’ll save the mega-phone story for another day…

A quick recap

In case you missed them, you probably know how it is, you’re just sitting down to dinner (perhaps in front of your favourite TV show) when the phone rings, Hello, can I speak to the person responsible for your gas/electricity/telephone/bills, please?

This is a real conversation, I promise nothing has been made up.

The kitchen sales-woman

Sales-woman
(In a Liverpool accent) Good evening, is that Mr. Malarkey?
Malarkey
(Very quiet voice) Yes, this is me.
Sales-woman
I’m Julie from MDF Kitchens and I’m phoning to let you know that you’ve won a voucher for ’1000 off a new MDF Kitchen.
Malarkey

(Slight pause, then shouting very loudly while jumping around the room…)

Woohoo! I don’t believe it!

(Aside to fake wife…) Doris? We’ve won a kitchen!

That’s fantastic! Oh, I’m so happy, we never win anything.

Doriiis?

You sound like you’re in Liverpool, can I come and collect it? I can be in Liverpool in an hour!

Dor-iiiiis?

Where are you? I’ll leave now. What’s your address?

Dor-iiiiiiiiiiiiiiis? etc, etc.

Sales-woman
(Silence)
Malarkey
(Pathetic voice) Hello… ?

Replies

  1. #1 On January 22, 2005 05:28 PM Jeremy Freeman said:

    Don’t stop - these are the funniest blogs I’ve seen for a while!

    I’d like to hear how you deal with Jehovah’s Witnesses!

  2. #2 On January 22, 2005 06:15 PM Graham Bancroft said:

    Did it include appliances, or was it just the units?

  3. #3 On January 23, 2005 08:58 AM Malarkey said:

    @ Graham: Ummm… not so sure, perhaps I was a wee bit too hasty… ;)

  4. #4 On January 23, 2005 07:56 PM Adrian said:

    Hehe, nice one, you don’t listen to Scott Mills on Radio1 by any chance do you? He did a lil stupid quiz thing for a mouse mat, an when someone won they had to go mad and say "I’ve never won anything before in my life", in a nice over the top way. Though I guess ’1000 off a kitchen is better than a mouse mat, well, I think it is…..

  5. #5 On January 23, 2005 08:05 PM Mark IJbema said:

    Yeah, don’t stop know, this sure was the best laugh i had today (just read all three) :D

  6. #6 On January 23, 2005 09:02 PM Sean Fraser said:

    I’ve not been so creative. I reduced my repies to this.

    Salesvoice: Are you Mr. Fraser?

    Me: No.

    Salesvoice: Is Mrs. Fraser there?

    Me: No.

    Salesvoice: When do you expect them back?

    Me: Not for awhile. They’re doing missionary work with the pygmies in the Belgian Congo. [Or - Sometimes - They’re doing missionary work with the headhunters in Borneo.]

    Salesvoice: [Pause] Oh. We’ll try another time.

    It works for most of them. But if it’s one of the more insistent ones,

    Salesvoice: What about you?

    Me: Ahhh, could you call later - I can’t get the blood off of the couch.

    Salesvoice: Uhhhhh…

    Dead Air.

  7. #7 On January 23, 2005 09:04 PM Malarkey said:

    @ Sean: That is a terrific one!

  8. #8 On January 23, 2005 09:21 PM Sean Fraser said:

    Funny thing, too. Nobody! has pointed out that the "Belgian Congo" ceased in 1960.

    Maybe, I’ll try having them be in "Prussia".