Malarkey is Andy Clarke, a creative designer with a passion for accessibility and web standards. This is his personal website.

Dealing with window salesmen

OK, if you enjoyed the last one (and I hope you did) here is another.

A quick recap

In case you missed it, you probably know how it is, you’re just sitting down to dinner (perhaps in front of your favourite TV show) when the phone rings, Hello, can I speak to the person responsible for your gas/electricity/telephone/bills, please?

This is a real conversation, I promise nothing has been made up.

The double glazing salesman

Good evening Sir, It’s Jim from ShinyWhite Windows, can I speak to Mr. Malarkey please?
I’m sorry Jim, I don’t want to waste your time, we haven’t got windows.
No windows?
No, we live in a caravan.
But caravans have windows don’t they?
Well we did have… but now we just use cling-film. Not the ordinary kitchen stuff mind, you know, that thick stuff that they wrap around palettes and comes on a big roll. We wrap it around the van a few times and when it gets dirty we just replace it.
You’re having me on?
No, I’m deadly serious.
(Sniggering) But that can’t be very secure… can it?
That’s why we have a big dog (false woof) WOOOOFF!
Err, hello… ?


  1. #1 On January 21, 2005 10:59 PM Rimantas said:

    When does your book "Dealing with salesmen" shows up? ;)

  2. #2 On January 21, 2005 11:15 PM Rubber Duck said:

    you just can’t help yourself can you? so when are you going to tell us all about w c boggs and the email scam?

  3. #3 On January 21, 2005 11:20 PM Turnip said:

    I sense more of these…

    And that would be great :D

  4. #4 On January 21, 2005 11:46 PM Malarkey said:

    @ Rimantas: No time for a book, too busy taking cold calls :’(

    @ Rubber Duck: Dom, I think that one is best forgotten ;)

    @ Turnip: Jonathan, one more tomorrow, then I’ll call it a day…

  5. #5 On January 22, 2005 12:18 AM YoungHistorians said:

    Ahh, British humor at it’s best!

  6. #6 On January 22, 2005 06:30 AM Carlos Porto said:

    Nice. Keep them coming!

  7. #7 On January 22, 2005 09:44 AM Chris said:

    A friend of mine, having listened to the patter of the salesman, poses a question:
    "What’s plastic and goes down on you?"
    Then he hangs up.

    I, personally, prefer the way Seinfeld handled late night callers:

    Gee. Im kinda busy right now do you have a home or personal number that I can call you on later? …
    Oh, you dont like being called at home? Imagine how I feel (Hangup)

  8. #8 On January 22, 2005 03:20 PM Matthew Pennell said:

    I had a visit from a Jehovah’s Witness (with kid in tow) this morning, disrupting the project I was working on:

    Me: "Hello?"

    JW: "Good morning; I won’t keep you standing there in the cold for long."

    Me: "Okay, bye." <closes door>

  9. #9 On January 24, 2005 10:32 AM Marcel Fahle said:

    Hehe, I’d like to read such a story every morning in your blog :o)