Which historical beard inspires yours most?
The one I had in October 2007. That was some beard I can tell you.
Ansel Adams had a sweet beard and a wonky nose.
I guess I’d have to say the caveman’s, or an old-timey prospector’s.
I’m particularly impressed with ZZ Top’s beards and any particularly impressive Viking beards, (eg: Swedish band Amon Amarth.
That guy off Record Breakers with the world’s longest moustache. Do moustaches count? Other than that Sir Walter Raleigh. And Black beard, because he was bad-ass.
Brian Blessed and any beards from the Viking era.
Has your beard ever lead to an embarrassing identity mix-up?
Out shopping a little girl screamed “Daddy!”, ran to me and grabbed my legs. Her Mother ran over, paused when she made eye contact and then after an uncomfortably long silence, apologised as she peeled her daughter off my legs. She explained that I could easily be a twin to her husband who was currently deployed to Iraq. She went on to explain that “we haven’t heard from him for some time now.”
Yes! I was once mistaken for someone without a beard! Oh how we laughed when it was revealed that I actually did have a beard.
Someone actually thought I was Steve Brookstein. Oh well she thinks she pulled someone famous and I got drunk for free.
People often tell me I remind them of comedian Zach Galifianakis. I hate that as I’m often caught reciting his jokes.
Because of my height, hairiness and general crusty demeanour, I am often mistaken for an Ent (Treebeard) from Lord Of The Rings.
I was once mistaken for Brian Blessed at Shanghai International. That’s not true, mostly people just point and stare.
Combined with the long hair, I get many “you look like Justin Lee Collins” moments.
What's the strangest thing you've found in your beard?
A frozen bit of Yellow Fin Tuna. I was packing deep freezers in Alaska 15 years ago and everyone's facial hair quickly formed a mask of ice and frost. When I went back to the galley, the condensation in my beard began thawing and a small piece of fish hit the table in front of me.
The lost treasure of the Sierra Madre. It’s still in there somewhere. Also, a bug. I discovered that in IE6 my beard was about 30cm to the left of where it should be.
I found my chin the other week - thought I’d lost that bad boy years ago.
When my beard is longer, my dog likes to put her head under my beard.
A perfectly-formed miniature universe, populated by talking dogs. The leaders were all smoking Beagles. The scientists were cute Chihuahuas in lab coats and the police were Hyenas with truncheons. Around about then, the trip ended.
A traveling man with a banjo. Obviously most Saturday mornings start with a severe hangover and the standard shopping trolley and traffic cone in beard problem.
Nothing really weird, but egg yolk can be persistent, and show up days later.
What's your favourite scratching implement or utensil?
Usually the blunt end of a Derwent 2B pencil.
My daughter. In fact I originally grew my beard for a fancy dress party. My daughter loved it so much I kept it.
I find a toothbrush is a fine aid for beard care and grooming.
My girlfriend’s fingers. That said, my beard doesn’t really get too itchy, so I usually get scratched elsewhere.
Heh heh heh...
An attractive young woman and/or cake fork.
I don’t have one, but the Wacom pen puts a good shift in.
What advice would you give a man (or woman) who wants to grow a beard?
People who are freaked out by unique facial hair aren’t worth knowing.
Push really hard (doubly so if you’re a woman). Don’t worry about the itching it will pass. What is more, one of the undocumented features of having a beard is the sheer joy you can experience shaving it off. But the fun doesn't end there either! You can enjoy regrowing it again. And so the cycle of hairy life begins anew.
Beards hate bright light so keep it in darker rooms as sunlight will actually kill it. Never get it wet. Don’t give it water to drink, and definitely do not give it a bath.
Sit there and strain for a good few minutes a day, willing the growth to erupt from your chin. You need to get this just right - keep going until you start to feel a certain energy welling up inside, but stop before you actually shit your pants. The window is pretty slim here - a few seconds for some people.
Remember, a beard is for life, not just for Christmas.
Getting past the itchy stage is hard work, but from then on, it's all glorious growth. Oh, and invest in some good trimmers.
Duck, as in The Marx Brothers’ Duck Soup.
Never been a big fan of soup. It gives me terrible wind.
For maximum beard splendidness - only with a straw.
I just go for it. If some gets in my ’stache, I try to suck it out. Otherwise, that’s what sleeves are for.
Only for foreplay.
Is there anything better than sucking the luke warm mulligatawny soup from your moustache? I think not sir!
Yes, but still not mastered.