Malarkey is Andy Clarke, a creative designer with a passion for accessibility and web standards. This is his personal website.

Dealing with debt heavies

Remember Dealing with telephone salesmen, Dealing with window salesmen or Dealing with kitchen salesmen? Well, the phone gags live on. Here was a recent one.

A quick recap

You probably know how it is, this time you’re at work and the phone rings.

The debt collection heavy

Sales-woman
Good afternoon, it’s Elsie from PayUp or Elsie. Have you had any trouble with bad debtors in the last six years?
Malarkey
Well we had some at first, but we have a system now and all our customers pay on time, sometimes even early.
Sales-woman
Wow, that’s amazing! How do you do it?
Malarkey
One of our guys (Vladimir) is ex Russian Army. He brought two dogs with him, Boris and Egor. They are getting a bit old now and have lost most of their teeth, but they can still give you a darn good sucking! Any sign of trouble and we just threaten them with a suck.
Sales-woman
You’re having me on.
Malarkey
Seriously. Did you say your name was Elsie? You sound like you’re from Liverpool? Vlad lives in Liverpool and he is taking Boris and Egor for a walk in the park on Sunday. Shall I tell him you’ll meet him there?
Sales-woman
What?
Malarkey
Well you sound like a nice lady and Vladimir is such a sweet guy. Don’t be put off by his eye-patch though. Shall I tell him 11 o’clock by the bus stop? He’s gonna to be soooo pleased, he hasn’t been out with an English girl. You’ll be his first!
Sales-woman
(Sound of hanging up)
Malarkey
Errr, hello?

Replies

  1. #1 On July 4, 2005 12:37 PM Faruk Ateş said:

    *laughs loudly* Brilliant, hilarious, excellent!

  2. #2 On July 4, 2005 01:08 PM Blair Millen said:

    Yup, another belter!

    You must have been thinking quickly on your feet…

  3. #3 On July 4, 2005 01:26 PM trovster said:

    HAHAHA

  4. #4 On July 4, 2005 01:31 PM patrick h. lauke said:

    can we rope in vlad’s services for the enforcement arm of the WaSP ATF please? failing that, can he run a few classes for us on Systema to get the job done ourselves?

  5. #5 On July 4, 2005 06:13 PM Matt Robin said:

    Nice one Andy! A bit more thought than most people and very polite throughout…(funny too)

    Me: I can say "Not interested," AND hang-up in the time it takes someone to say "But…" (That’s just ruthless!)

    (Wasn’t Vlad and his dogs in the film ’Lock Stock and two smoking barrels’?)

  6. #6 On July 4, 2005 06:24 PM Malarkey said:

    @ Matt Robin: Naaaa, that was Bullet Tooth Tony wasn’t it?

    (Here’s a funny thing I remembered today. Some friends of mine who are print designers in Chester did some business cards for a real debt collection mob in Liverpool. Their strapline was, We Don’t Fuck About.)

  7. #7 On July 4, 2005 07:13 PM Andrew Creek said:

    Tele marketers have been a source of entertainment in my house for years. Now that they cant call me at home (don’t call list) I get them at work all the time and it really works as a nice break in the middle of a hard work day.

  8. #8 On July 4, 2005 09:29 PM Sean Fraser said:

    What’ve you got for messages on your error pages?

  9. #9 On July 4, 2005 10:23 PM Andy Saxton said:

    @Malarkey

    Thats the best strap line ever. Wonder what Jakob Nielsen would make of that! ;)

    And it was Bullet Tooth Tony in Lock Stock.

  10. #10 On July 5, 2005 12:41 AM Yannick L. said:

    LOL that was brilliant! Well done. You could also try messing with people who dial the wrong number. hehe funny stuff.

  11. #11 On July 5, 2005 12:47 AM Matt Robin said:

    Andy: Cheers…Bullet Tooth Tony then (only the second time today I’ve been corrected on Movie trivia….damn - losing my touch!)
    Good strapline by the way "We don’t fuck about,"

    (Hmmm…that could come in handy at work!)

  12. #12 On July 5, 2005 10:28 AM Jocke said:

    Ohhhhh! That’s evil! We don’t have many of these debt collctors in Sweden but I’ll try it out if I ever get a phone call like that.

  13. #13 On July 5, 2005 03:01 PM Max said:

    I even like the name of the fictitious service!

    Their strapline was, We Don’t Fuck About.

    I need that on my business card.

    And Bullet Tooth Tony was a character in Snatch, not Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels (Vinnie’s character was named "Big Chris" in that one).

  14. #14 On July 6, 2005 03:47 PM Graham Bancroft said:

    I think the Russian chap in Snatch was called Boris?